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A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me." "OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for...I'll take an eight." |
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On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big ... very big ... an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then....one of the men said, "Hit the floor," Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, ifyou'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button," The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my man here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter while they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to her room -- a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was signed, Eddie Murphy and Michael Jordan |
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A woman was in a casino for the first time. The spinning ball of the roulette wheel has always caught her attention. She decides to play at the roulette table and she says, "I have no idea what number to play." A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 29. The wheel is spun, and 36 comes up. The smile drifts from the woman's face and she faints. |
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A man walks into a butcher's shop and inquires of the butcher: "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher says "Yes", so the man said: "I bet you L50 that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there." The butcher says "I'm not betting on that." "But I thought you were a gambling man" the man retorts. "Yes I am" says the butcher "but the steaks are too high." |
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There's the touching story of the young man who said to his girlfriend, "i bet you wouldn't marry me." the story goes that she not only called his bet but she raised him five! |
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a guy named joe finds himself in dire trouble. his business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. he's so desperate he decides to ask god for help. he begins to pray... "god, please help me. i've lost my business and if i don't get some money, i'm going to lose my house as well. please let me win the lottery." lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. joe again prays... "god, please let me win the lottery! i've lost my business, my house and i'm going to lose my car as well." lotto night comes and joe still has no luck. once again, he prays... "my god, why have you forsaken me?? i've lost my business, my house, and my car. my wife and children are starving. i don't often ask you for help and i have always been a good servant to you. please just let me win the lottery this one time so i can get my life back in order." suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and joe is confronted by the voice of god Himself: "joe, meet me halfway on this. buy a ticket." |
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a man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. this peaks his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing. however none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "i can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!" the player smiled and said, "he isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail." |
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A rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police raid the game. Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: "Father Murphy, were you gambling?" Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then says, "No, officer, I was not gambling." The officer then asks the minister: "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?" Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, "No, officer, I was not gambling." Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: "With whom?" |
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I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my buddy Matt. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last. Matt listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number "5." It was made of gold and sparkled with diamonds. Matt's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the fifth race. Matt raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element." Matt started grinning. Then I told Matt point-by-point what I did that day. - I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee - I went for a five mile jog to clear my head - I took a five minute shower - I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet - I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up - I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in the fifth row - I entered through the fifth admissions gate - I bought five programs - I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race - I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me. I settled in and waited for the race to start. "Well," said Matt. "Did the horse win?" I frowned at Matt and said, "Stupid horse came in fifth." |
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Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar West Virginia State Lottery? The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years. |
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"William, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!" "That's great, honey! Should I pack for the beach, the mountains, or what?" "Who cares? Just get out." |
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A hatchet-faced lady tapped the keeper of the monkey house indignantly on the shoulder. "Those wretched animals of yours appear to be engaged in shooting dice. I demand that you break up the game at once." "Shucks," shrugged the keeper, "They're keeping strictly within the law, Ma'am. They're only playing for peanuts." |
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A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars." The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff in big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling." "Gambling?," he says. "What sort of gambling?" "Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?" The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!" The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?" "Ok, have it your way," said the president, and they shook hands on it. "See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning," said the little old lady, and with that she left. Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won. "Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president. "He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?" "No, perfectly understandable," said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily. "Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants." The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question. "Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning. "What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president. "Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today." |
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Everyone for some reason likes to act like they know more about gambling odds then someone else to prove that they are one step ahead of the other guy. Here is a great story just for those fellas. A father with 17 race horses dies. In his will he left his 3 sons all 17 horses. 1/2 must go to my oldest son. 1/3 must go to my second son. 1/9 must go to my youngest son. Now you try it: How many horses does each son get? So as the 3 brothers are fighting over who gets what, because there is no way to divide up 17 racehorses. Well, a sports book director from Las Vegas, rides by on his horse and gets off and tells the boys that he can help them divide up the 17 racehorses. He then added his horse to the group, and made 18 horses. He gave the oldest son, 9 horses for is ½. He gave the second son, 6 horses for his 1/3. He gave the youngest son, 2 horses for his 1/9. And the sports book director grabbed the horse that was left over for him self and rode off into the sunset. Of course you know, that the horse that he grabbed was stronger and smarter then the one he left behind. |
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The first couple of years when sports bookie’s were putting up over/under totals on baseball games, it was a very experimental process. Most games were set at 8 or 9 for total scores by both teams. Well years ago, a man flew to Chicago, and figured out that the wind almost everyday plays a very big role in the games at Wrigley Field, home of the Chicago Cubs. An elderly lady living in a very tall apartment, just across the street made a deal that would change both of their lives. 15 minutes before each game, the gambler would call the lady at her home and ask here which direction the flags were pointing do to the wind blowing on or off of the lake. If the wind was blowing out to the outfield, he would bet the game to be high scoring because of the increased chances of there being more home runs. If the flags were blowing in, he would bet the game to be low scoring because the ball was not going to be hit far on those days. He would then pay the lady’s rent each month. This man made a killing over the first few years. Now since the age of technology, the sports books now get this information before they post up the odds. When the wind is blowing out, you can see these over/under totals be posed up to 13 runs, or as low as 7, depending on the wind direction. |
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Sphen and Rudy were playing pitch one night, and Sphen told Rudy that he was having an affair with his wife, but stressed that she is love with both of them, and does not know what to do. So as true gamblers would do, they decided to play a game of 10-point pitch, and the loser must promise never to sleep with her again. After the cards were delt, Rudy said, "Let’s raise that stakes, let’s play for a dollar a point." Scott, had a serious gambling problem, every time he came home his wife would ask him how much money he lost at the casino. Then one night, Scott never came home at all, and walked in the house at 9 AM, and his wife was glaring at him. Scott said "I have something to admit, I was at the bar last night, got drunk, and went home with the bar maid." The wife then replied "Don’t give me that bull, how much did you lose last night at the dice table?" Buckshot was a compulsive gambler, and would bet on anything and everything; horses, dogs, football, baseball, basketball, snooker and even soccer games. When Buckshot was down to his last dollar, he went to his best friend and said "Roy, I need $1000, we have no food, I owe rent, the kids need jeans for school, and the wife won’t leave the house because we have bad checks at all the stores. Can you help me out?" So his best buddy gave him $2000 to get him ahead, but on one condition, that he does not use the money for gambling. Buckshot’s reply was "Oh, I have money put away for that." |
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Some states do offer "OTB", off-track betting. These little bookie shops are scattered around a large city where you can bet on the horse races and do not have to drive all the way to the track. One day, a religious group scattered around town to spread "the good word", to the people in the downtown area. One person out of this group walked into the horse shop filled with 70 horse bettors and opened the door and yelled "Pray For Forgiveness", and walked out the door and down the street. Ole’ a compulsive gambler who had a bad day with the early races, went down the street and ran up to the man and said, "What Race?" Ole’ and Lena moved into a new retirement community, and Ole’ was invited to a guy’s night out for a long poker game on Saturday night. Ole’ was sure he won the first hand of the night, when he flashed his cards showing 3 Kings. As Ole’ was grabbing the poker chips, Kenny said "Not so fast, I got 3 Aces." Ole’ asked to see Kenny’s hand, but the rest of the neighbors told Ole’ that this was strictly a gentlemen’s game and there was no need to show your hand do to the fact of the community trust with everyone. When Ole’ came home that night, Lena asked him how the poker night went. Ole’ said, "Just great, after the first hand I never lost the rest of the night." |
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A computer programmer and an engineer were sitting next to each other on a transcontinental flight. The programmer leaned over to the engineer and asked whether he would like to play a game. The engineer only wanted to take a nap, so he politely declined, rolled over toward the window and closed his eyes. The programmer persisted and stated that the game was both very easy and a lot of fun. He explained "I ask you a question - if you don't know the answer, you pay me five bucks. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay five bucks to you." Again, the Engineer politely declined and closed his eyes. The programmer, somewhat agitated, said, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me five bucks, but if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you fifty bucks!" This caught the engineer's attention, and - seeing no end to his torment unless he played the game - agreed to play. The programmer asked the first question: "What's the distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The engineer wordlessly reached into his wallet, pulled out a five dollar bill and handed it to the programmer. Now it was the engineer's turn. He asked the programmer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The programmer looked puzzled, then took out his laptop computer and searched through all his reference material. He tapped into the AirPhonex with his modem and searched through the Internet and the Library of Congress, all to no avail. Then he sent urgent E-mail inquiries to all of his brightest colleagues, but could find no help anywhere. After an hour or so he woke the engineer and forked over $50. The engineer accepted the money politely and closed his eyes again. The programmer, more than slightly frustrated, shook the engineer's shoulder and demanded, "So, what's the answer?". The engineer just smiled, reached again into his wallet, handed the programmer a five dollar bill, and went right back to sleep. |